Snakes on a Plane Review

Snakes on a Plane is a film about Snakes on a Plane featuring Samuel L Jackson and a bunch of other people who aren't cool enough to be known on a first name basis. In it, a bunch of Snakes on a Plane get really violent for some reason and ravage the entire crew and passengers. The film makes absolutely no sense at all, but what do you expect from watching a film called Snakes on a Plane?

So yeah, the premise real quick. Some guy (I did not remember anyone's names in this film) saw something he really, really shouldn't have seen: mobsters committing an oopsie daisy murder. Samuel L. Jackson saves Some Guy from an unexpected lead donation and sends him on a plane, and somehow the mobsters figure out which plane he's going on and decide to put a bunch of snakes on it that, using a specific pheromone, will become incredibly aggressive and ravage the passengers.

No, none of this makes sense. While I could believe they simply followed his bike back to the apartment, it's never explained how exactly these mobsters figured out which plane he was gonna show up on unless they were just stupid and there was an information leak. On top of that, if they had a guy on the inside who managed to sneak several hundred snakes past security, presumably he could've also just snuck a regular ass bomb past security and, in 3 minutes flat, Some Guy would be dead.

But okay they're on a plane and after an agonizingly long time introducing the characters the snakes start to come out, and boy are they scary, and by scary I mean not at all. They use CGI mixed in with real snakes and animatronics, which is a good thing, but the problem is that it's still really hard to think of the snakes as real because all of the real snakes are very obviously just the non-poisonous pythons and they also just sit there and don't do anything.

I love pythons. Python go plop.

This is basically just a slasher film on top of being a plane disaster movie. Two of the most cliched subgenres in film history. Somehow it manages to avoid following the general beats of Airplane! but there's still elements of it because you can only do so many things in a fucking plane disaster. Slasher film cliches include all of the bad people dying first and a bunch of stupid jump scares.

All the jump scares fell flat because of the aforementioned python issue, and also because I really dislike jumpscares. I don't get engaged by suddenly hearing someone screaming with a horror sting, I get a headache.

Anyways this film is basically carried entirely by Samuel L. Jackson's acting and dumbassery, notably there were a ton of dumbass moments involving how the snakes get people. Highlights were a massive snake swallowing a guy whole because he was such a piece of shit, snakes going out of their way to chew up wires, snakes invading a couple trying to have sex in the bathroom, and at the very end a snake somehow surviving a depressurized plane jumping out and attacking Some Guy to which Samuel L. Jackson just shoots the fucker.

He was wearing a bullet proof vest, because why not, but goddamn I would've really liked it if at the end that was just it and he fucking died. The bad guy still loses testimony or no because they had the reciepts that he put the snakes on the plane anyways. I think it would've been a great cap off to the film.

The only other guy I liked aside from Samuel was the fat guy who played videogames because at the very end he has to land the plane and it's only right as he's about to land do they realize that all of his flight experience was from playing a fucking Playstation game. They even go YEAH PLAYSTATION! at the end.

Everyone else is meh. Including Some Guy. He's a very regular ass protagonist schlub.

Is Snakes on a Plane worth the watch? If you like the concept of the title that much, sure, but I'd say for the most part it was pretty boring. It's really only around the last half that it picks up, once all of the introductions and inital terrors are over and everyone starts to work against the problem.

This film was a dissappointment at the box office despite meme marketing. We've come a long way...